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Aaron LaBeau posted on March 13, 2011 14:41
Rednecks on a Roadtrip
By Aaron LaBeau
The major inspiration for this story came in the form of a phone call that started with the words "Cannonball, Cannonball, Cannonball, Baby" followed up with an abrupt click. Days later I received a You Tube video of the intro to the 1980's classic Cannonball Run as hint of the meaning behind the prior day's phone call. As fate would determine my good buddy Frank needed to drive from Phoenix, AZ to Belvidere, IL and back in a quest to pick up some stuff for a relative. The only way I was going to go along for the ride is to come up with a pointless goal of my own.
My goal manifested while browsing an InsideLine article where one brown Porsche 911 Turbo nick-named the "Brisket Express" made a trip to Texas from Los Angles and back in search of BBQ. This trip would be as pointless as the Inside Line article; lamer, manlier, dumber and unfortunately not nearly as fast.
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| Hey I'm having some fun with photoshop to dress-up some bad pictures. More on that later! When you're driving 30 hours straight you don't drop the tri-pod for a good low light shot. |
"This is Jack Burton in the Porkchop Express and I'm talkin' (writing) to whoever's listening out there." Who doesn't love Big Trouble in Little China? It's a guy movie with exploding Ninjas, ten foot tall Chinese Wizards and Kurt Russel nailing one awesome line after another while sporting arguably the best mullet of the 80's. Jack Burton IS who Keith Stone wants to be. If the IL guys had the "Brisket Express" then we're driving the "The Pork-Chop Express!" Read into that whatever you will.
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| It may not look like much from this perspective but this was a grisly drive. |
Pointless
Have you ever agreed to something like this without knowing full well why you're doing it? If not you're definitely smarter than I am. If so, you, like Jack Burton and myself say "Ol' Jack (me, you) always says…what the hell."
Lamer & not as fast
We were driving a 2006 Chevy 2500 Duramax with the 6-speed Allison transmission. It's an awesome 402 (cu in) 650lb-ft ass kicking monster. The lame part; was towing the 4000lb trailer (unloaded) both ways. It seriously slowed us down unlike the IL guys who did un-official blasts to 140mph on a "closed course." Sure guys! I'm sure the truck could have pulled the trailer at 100mph or more but I doubt I'd be writing about this story.
Manlier
The Inside Line dudes actually stopped at Hotels for a nights' sleep. We pushed through for 30 hours straight. Frank refers to this as marinating in your own juices. This is one of the last things you can still do to beat your chest and feel like a barbarian without getting arrested.
Dumber
Ditto the above about not stopping. It was seriously stupid! We were knocking on death's door a couple of times as no amount of caffeine would keep us awake any longer. On the way back we pulled over for an hour of comatose to make it the rest of the way.
Sunday, March 13, 2011 10:42 PM
I absolutely love Big Trouble in Little China, especially Lo Pan....lol
Sunday, March 13, 2011 11:05 PM
LOL at the 5 Hour Energy. I remember a few of the guys running on those during SEMA week. That's quite the epic drive you guys made.
Sunday, March 13, 2011 11:13 PM
"Have you paid your dues Jack?" As you roll off the answer to that in your head realize this, you and your taste in movies ranks as awesome. Love me almost anything with a Kurt Russell/John Carpenter combo!
Monday, March 14, 2011 7:33 AM
I'll have to come up with a follow-up article incorporating They Live. "I've come here to kick-ass and chew bubble-gum! And I'm all out of bubble-gum!"
Monday, March 14, 2011 7:47 AM
Road trips are something EVERY car guy must experience. I don't mean that 4hr trip from LA to Vegas hopped up on Red Bull. Or a 12hr trip home for Christmas with your girlfriend. I mean driving for 24hrs or more without sleep. Multi-day trips. Trips where things just don't go as planned. Getting stopped by the cops at 2am with no tail lights going 80 in a 55 with an expired license, out of date insurance card and the cop asks your buddy if that's a gun case at his feet while unclipping his own side arm. And then not getting a ticket. (you can't make these things up) You know, a Road Trip. And 88 octane is a joke. At least they don't carry 85 octane like they have in places like Colorado. 85 octane. Really?
Monday, March 14, 2011 7:59 AM
@jeffball610 - Indeed somethings are just too crazy to "make up." Looks as though you've had your fair share. I'd say we all have but then I start telling some of my roadtrip stories and I just get crazy looks. Roadtrips are useful for useless knowledge like the 8 hour loop that XM uses for a good majority of their stations. We had it on Big Hair for at least half the trip.
Monday, March 14, 2011 8:19 AM
I love a good road trip story! Another like example is a story Car and Driver did a few years back; took a Corvette from Ann Arbor to Prescott, AZ to get some In N Out burgers. I hope to replicate that one myself someday; been too long since I've road tripped myself...
Monday, March 14, 2011 8:27 AM
"Officer, I was just trying to keep up with traffic." "I don't see any other cars on the road." "Then you see hoe far behind I am!"
Monday, March 14, 2011 8:34 AM
"I have a good attitude about this"
Monday, March 14, 2011 9:46 AM
@yo vanilla - I'm a father of young children (like some of you) so it's been a while since I've really hit the road (400 + miles). It would be fun to try something like this again without the trailer and a good radar/laser detector. Maybe just maybe we could do a one lap of America.
Monday, March 14, 2011 10:53 AM
Reminds me of Martin, Robert and I driving to the 2004 SERCA Convention in Austin, TX. But, if you want to talk manly, I drove from Derry, NH (near Boston) to San Diego, CA. In three days. In 2 seperate freak blizzards. In a new (to me) car. Solo. If I had made a round trip, it would've been uphill, both ways as well. I am all that is man. :)
Monday, March 14, 2011 12:52 PM
Aaron, I was thinking a follow up would be great with some Snake Plissken quotes! Ok, I want to get your opinions on this but is it just me or is 2-4am the worst time to power through on road trips? I try and plan almost all my road trips around avoiding those dreaded hours, especially now that I have kids!
Monday, March 14, 2011 1:18 PM
@Der Bruce I also enjoyed the Escape from New York and LA movies. I definitely have to be in the right frame of mind to watch them compared to Big Trouble in Little China which I can watch anytime. I'm taking a roadtrip to Vegas in April and stopping by the Hoffbrauhaus so... Pushing through on the way out was no problem but as I wrote I really did snap when I saw the sun setting for the second time without a good rest. We all have our breaking points and that was mine. My buddy Frank really manned up on the drive back and did more driving than I did. The toll for all the fun we had caught up with us in Texas. For both our sakes I was honest and admitted I was in no shape to drive. My view is that it's easier to fall asleep during the "dreaded hours" but when I'm exhausted it doesn't much matter what time it is.
Monday, March 14, 2011 1:48 PM
Mythbusters did an experiment on this. They determined that "Sleepy" driving is more dangerous than Drunk driving. Drunk driving distorts your perception, but lose your perception with sleepiness. Their test was pretty rudimentary, but I think it proved a good point. I know I've drifted across several lanes when I dozed off on a long road trip by myself. Luckily it was with no traffic and in a "safe" area. I don't recommend this to anyone, but we all experience it.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011 9:36 PM
Were you clucking like a chicken at any point? :-)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011 7:58 AM
i hear ya aaron, i've got three kids myself and thus have not had many road trips since. couple years back my brother and i drove back to wi from st. louis to get his first car, and then to grand rapids, mi and back to pick up leather seats for said car. but that's it. in the past my wife and i had gone to CO, KY, PA, and our honeymoon was even a road trip to CA and back. and i'm really missing the open road!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011 7:59 AM
p.s., funny, one of the things i remembered best was the food. i still remember every major stop on the way to CA, 11 years ago now
Wednesday, March 16, 2011 8:29 AM
@Ryan surprizingly no clucking! Unlike coming back from the 2000 Dallas SERCA convention where I did lose my mind somewhere along the way. Personally I chock that up to all the times Ray and others (you perhaps) turned the seat heater on me in our Volvo rental in the middle of Texas summer. I still tell the story of the bees that exploded on the window on that trip somewhere though the great state that is Texas. The windshield was awash with bee goo! Remember that one bee that kept hanging on at over 60 mph because we killed his whole family?
Wednesday, March 16, 2011 8:32 AM
@yo vanilla - Looks like you're ready to get back to the road like I was. Looking forward to reading about it sometime!
Thursday, March 17, 2011 7:26 PM
lol at the cosh(x) reference.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011 3:10 PM
We just did a Chicago to Vegas to Willow Springs Road trip with our rig, trailer, and our Redline time attack STi. Cross country adventures FTW!!!
 
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